my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
My breasts were aching with rage.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
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