The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Randomize
