Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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