Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
