She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Randomize
