ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
