The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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