Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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