a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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