I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
