I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
