Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Randomize
