Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I'm having to shit out rocks
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
Randomize
