i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
