Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize