I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
You need a sexual gate keeper
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
