hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
