my phone needs a breathalizer
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
being pregnant is like rehab
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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