So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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