the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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