video games are the ultimate cock blocker
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
3pm strippers are depressing
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Randomize
