i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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