Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
you are never too drunk for berry picking
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
