I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
