Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
