I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
