I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
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