just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Couch. On fire.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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