He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
