Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
