at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Randomize
