Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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