i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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