He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
