there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize