Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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