you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
