I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Randomize
