I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
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