Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
