Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
