remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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