alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize