Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
