nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
