they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
