We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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