i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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