HIV tests are more positive than that guy
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Randomize
