Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Randomize
