he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I can't put those talents on a resume
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
