please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
