My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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