If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Randomize
