it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
