we dont do blackfin have a good night :)
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
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