So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
