I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
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