She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
