I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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